Saturday 10 April 2021
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Stuck between a rock and a hard place

I just need to get this off my chest. What is it about being in love that messes us up all the time? We almost have this scent we put out that invites people into our lives who we’re not ready for or who aren’t ready for us.

Worst f’ing part is that because of this technology we are all hooked on, you can literally fall in love with someone who lives miles away and ‘date’ them for 2 years and never meet. Reading that back sounds ridiculous, but that is what I am dealing with.

The emotional baggage of having gotten known, learned, understood, fought, made up with and loved someone and all you have of them is a single 5 year old photograph because they are not keen on having their picture taken.

Was I a fool for getting that emotionally attached? Hey on the bright side, there was no risk of catching a pregnancy or an STD in that period, because fool me, even if we are not in the same physical space I am still loyal.

I guess it is easy for people say ‘how could you go 2 years without meeting the person you claim to be in love with?’

Money honey. Like, if your coin ain’t right then no matter how in touch or in tune you are, that sh*t just won’t work out. Chances are when you first met the person you were telling all your people about them and like 6 months later they were like, ‘ah, you’re still chatting with that same person and you haven’t met yet? – Catfish.’

If you are anything like me you would have defended your situation to the death and never again spoke of your person to them ever again.

They’ll just be seeing you 2 years later still smiling stupidly at your phone in the middle of conversation, or your ears turning a little red when you hear that personalised tone on your phone or your phone screen is just on until like 3am, 4am in the morning.

And those of you dating online whose people are actually active online and you can peep their profiles and stalk, you guys are lank lucky, lemme tell you. Some of us, we were not hidden, but the person done hid himself well. Has a profile on every platform but never posts a damn thing. Couple of random likes irregularly on insta but that is legit it.

Etse, how did I get into this thing hoeka? How did I get so sucked in that even after I said ‘look, this isn’t going to work for me (2 years later)’ I still find myself drawn to this person, like… it cannot be normal guys.

So we broke up – yes we called it a break up – amicably and by mutual agreement and went nix on speaking to each other for 2 months. I am not sure who broke that silence (it was me but I will never admit it) and of course as you go back to that familiar place it tog feels ntsa.

I tried to keep a distance and keep it casual and light, but next you know, poof, you are back in that same emotional whirlwind that it took so much effort to get out of and now the getting out again hurts again, like you’re ripping a bandage off a scar that hasn’t completely healed yet and it is all just a mess. Why am I putting myself through this but?

The emotional connection is strong and it is painful keeping allowing myself back in all the time. Even though I know there will have to be letting myself out again. I guess I am lonely nje and it is nice to feel loved and wanted – even for a little bit.

A close friend says there’s nothing strange about it. It’s just a misalignment between the brain and the heart. Remember the heart always knows what it wants, and always gets it no matter what. On the other side, the brain is trying hard to ensure that you’re are safe and you survive it…

Family members, friends, neighbours and colleagues will look at you and think he bewitched you or you are desperate. But nope. It’s just your heart vs your brain.

I need more friends like that one tbvh. Because what started out as me feeling stupid and frail and completely off my rocker turned into me seeing that I need to pay more attention to my head sometimes.

The heart will eventually get what it wants but the head needs to take the lead right now because hey, it’s rough outchea.



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