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Wednesday 20 March 2019
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Avoid getting slapped by your man – A guide

I avoid giving tips to women; particularly those I know will get me into trouble. The hardest person to advise is a woman in Oshiveva, a women who calls their boyfriend ‘daddy’, and a high school drop-out who thinks it’s their boyfriend’s duty to take care of them.
I know no man has the right to lay his hand on their madam but sometimes you look for it and today we will share a few things that you have done that will get you slapped tomorrow, that’s if he has not done it already.
Men are simple and that is an open secret. All we want is food, sex, and peace. In their words, feed us, f**k us really good or else we will get it elsewhere, and finally, give us peace by shutting the hell up especially when you speak through emotional lenses. We don’t know how it feels to just be a girl so stop that k*k or you will get a p@esklap.
If your boyfriend is likely to snap and hit the hell out of you, take note that you are simply dating a coward or your application to becoming slap-able has been accepted without notice.
Stop calling him daddy. You know by now that all fathers bliksem their daughters when they shout back, answer back, or rent out house utensils to the neighbor. You father decides what is good for you and how to respond when they talk to you. They decide who you can play with and when you should be home. So call him daddy and see how he slap you when you do one wrong. Jy sal k*k.
Do not cheat, just leave nxa. You should understand that as much as we like sharing that does not mean you should do the same. There’s no democracy in sharing private parts. Yours is mine alone and the one I have is sometimes up for tender to the highest bidder. Do not argue about it because we have way too many people who get slapped every day for trying out democracy.
Don’t chop his money. You must understand that for some cowards, a relationship is some sort of investment. All I want is good for you, but just for me. I cannot be watering a plant and taking it out of the weeds just for the neighbour to come reap the fruits. So in the mind of this idiot, the best would be to cut down the tree so that everyone loses out. Again, do not argue with me because the reason itself has a long reference list already and you don’t want to end up on that list.

 

If you are a student who has been dating this taxi driver who has been dropping you off for free and at times paid for your registration fees because your father is an ass, but you have not shared your refund with him, do not even try to dump the guy just because graduation is around the corner. You might not make it madam, your psychopath of a warthog will introduce you to Oponganda. And don’t tell me you gave him sex in return. There is a reason he came to you and not the night vendors at Avani. Starve and earn your money later or you will become a bad investment.
Don’t push his buttons. I am a man and I know most of these living trash of human beings don’t know how to control their emotions. You women have a tendency of pushing buttons just because you want to. Jy sal k*k. Just because you are a woman and you have passed the test of doing things ‘just’, not with your man. He will maybe not do anything the first time but the second might just be you last. A slap is returned with a punch and you never know when he will use the butter-knife.
Don’t win every fight just because. Just because you are a woman and you expect your man to be the gentle telenovela Diego, does not mean you should win everything. We have something called ‘ego’. You can play with everything but not my ego. It’s all I have. Even when I’m wrong, especially in public, allow me to float my ego.
These tips come from a very dark and uncivilised corner in men often not heard because most the educated ones kama know what it takes. All men are the same, until the above is tested. You may not know how yours will react, but that does not warrant you to take a test. You might not enjoy the results.

While we sort out these issues, stay safe and avoid getting slapped.
Sharpies.




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