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Wednesday 20 March 2019
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Kitchen Chronicles

Have you ever loved somebody so much but could not be with them? Like there is just something that seems out of balance and effects your whole life when you are with them.

God knows that it is hard to find somebody that you accepts you for who you are, somebody that is truly and in all senses of the phrase ‘your person’. Somebody who really sees you.

Your good, your bad, your insecurities, your flaws, all your ugly bits and still has the capability of making you comfortable in the knowledge that yes, you are not perfect, but they accept and love you with all those and are willing to endure with you through all that you are and go through.

So now you have found them, and they see you through so much.

And you pray for each other, and you carry each other up and you reach a point where you are comfortable to share with that person things about yourself that you haven’t shared with another breathing soul, that is the level or trust and comfortability that is reached and then after a long time it is like certain road blocks are going up all around.

A friend said to me recently ‘be careful who you spend time with’.

I must admit I am not the kind of person who always bares these kinds of ‘words’ in mind when I am given them, but this one stuck with me and I remember it often.

At the time I responded somewhat flippantly, but it still remained with me and I am in situations now some days (my circumstance has somewhat altered since the day I was told that) where it comes up my subconscious and I actively distance myself from whatever it might be that I was busy with because I am heeding that voice, that memory, that warning …
So now here I sit, wondering for the life of me, if this situation was not for me, why did it get so deep?

Why or how could I become so vulnerable, so comfortable with someone that was not meant to be a part of my life?  Was it a charade, was it fake, was it wishful thinking?  Was is simply because there was a void inside me that they were filling which now does not need filling anymore?

And I am curious, like, what am I being kept from? They say that sometimes you are being kept from a major accident when you are forced to take a detour, even though you may never know what that accident may have been.

Often I am drawn to go back there to the familiar.  To the known. To the place where happiness was, and most times peace was and understanding and acceptance was.

Honestly though I am not unhappy where I am.  I have lost one thing and I feel the loss of it deeply but I am doing so well.

I feel amazing, I have other outlets I can utilise (although I don’t as often as I should), I can express myself freely, I am surrounded on almost a daily basis by amazing people, I can do and perfect my craft, I am learning, I am growing and I am glowing. I feel like me again, and I missed that girl.  I missed me.  Unadulterated, unfiltered, endless possibilities, me.

I had a conversation the other night where I said that everybody needs to have a person.  I said that everybody needs to have somebody that you can offload to and be real and honest with.

Somebody who you can scream and cry and shout and vent to. Somebody who will listen to you patiently and not say too much and them hold and reassure you at the end of your rant and tell you that everything will be just fine, even though they haven’t really done anything.
I feel like I have lost my that person but I have gained something else.  Peace, somehow.  I am forced to keep so many of my things to myself that I would have otherwise shared and maybe that is a good thing.

For another person to hold so much of your truth, is that a good thing?  Is it a healthy thing or a wise thing, when it could be a fleeting relationship that may not exist tomorrow?

We pour so much of ourselves into other people that it can drain us and we end up forgetting who we are and we don’t even realise it.

We become so used to being babied and having our hands held and our tears wiped off our faces that we forget that we have the strength to do it on our own.  We are strong.

We are capable. We are able. And maybe just maybe the removal of an emotional crutch is useful and needed at certain points in your life, so that you learn your own self back.  So that you understand who you are again.

So that you get your groove back. And so that next time when you are sharing yourself with someone it is not from a place of brokenness but from a place of wholeness and fulfilment and from a place of health and strength.

If you have never met your person, I sincerely hope that you do. There is nothing better than having the knowledge and confidence that there is somebody who is for you.

No better peace of mind that no matter how ugly a day you have, that there is somebody that is for you.

And on your best days, there is somebody that is for you.  It is a joy to experience, and very painful to let go of.

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