Saturday 15 May 2021
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Some things are not relationships

I have previously written at length about how difficult it is to be a woman and a mother, especially when the father does not even know that there exists days deliberately reserved to get compliments of things they already know, or worse, he has no clue when his children’s birthdays are.
So my chicken friend told me he is planning to get married this December, to some girl I introduced him to two years ago. It was one of those, ‘come with a friend’ chicks who never want to stay home. This girl happens to be my ex but it’s best he does not know that. To make things even more interesting, he asked me to be his best man. To be honest, I am happy for him. It’s a bold step men rarely take, arresting their freedom to commit to just one woman.
Commitment is not for me. My married friends are telling me that the beautiful face you once saw at the Shebeen is not what it is all day. Wait until she take off her hair, places it next to the five others and asks you how you day went.
I have a problem with commitment because of a few issues that I am not ready to torture myself with – not least because I am still so very young. A committed relationship is just too much for me. Marriage is like the backyard of a Chinese shop. There you will find the real person before everything.
I only recently secured permanent employment and do not need a second boss to chomp at my small salary. I have friends whose girlfriends actually plan how they will spend their boyfriend’s hard-earned wages and in this broke year, I’m not ready for life after Hage. And you still want me to commit! A man’s pocket will forever be empty if he allows someone else to control it.
I mean when last did your woman offer to take you out at her expense? Even when she makes more money than you, the little evil things still want you to pay the bill. I know there are loyal women out there but I am not ready for a ‘get to know you’ relationship. Not now.
I can manage my side chicks, or rather dodge them expertly. Like for this year, they know I’m not dishing out any Valentines gifts. The more side servings you have, the more flexible you can be in terms of choice. I am just not ready for the nagging and solving of a woman’s never-ending problems. All of sudden I cannot have female friends and if I do, they should be known and will be closely monitored. To make matters worse, my female friend, who really is one of the side chicks anyway, cannot even give me a harmless peck on the cheek but she can French kiss her ‘cousins and uncles’ without batting a fake eyelash.
If you are ready to be a hyperthymesiac, then go ahead and commit. I am not ready to know all her friends’ names, cousins’ birthdays, her own, her mother’s and the number of chickens they sold last year.
Nor am I interested in the petty issues she told me about last year, her ever-changing favourite colour and all that crap. Not me. I am not ready to be someone’s life memory bank.
‘Good morning bae’, ‘good afternoon, ‘how was your day’ and ‘good night bae’… I just cannot keep up with the relationship parenting. It is for that reason that I am not a father. I can do that until I get to the treasure but never for long.
So, I will maar remain single with no one to answer to. Side chicks do not ask for much and at least you can ignore them when visiting the neighbour. It is however unfortunate that they believe I am committed to them. You tog know that woman who thinks you two have something going on mara she is just number 4. There is Ndeitunga, Brigadier General, Constable Warrant Officer Class 1 and Cadet Officer. Respect the hierarchy.
It is cruel out here especially for women who do not know their positions. While my friends play one for one, other guys are just waiting to piggy back on your investment. They have no time to get their own rose and water her to maturity.
So while some you jump from relationship to relationship, I will remain faithful to my side chicks who know that they are not the only shareholders in ‘God’s gift to women’. The day will come when I am done playing and will maybe consider settling down, however it will not be with any of my side chicks.
The moral of the story is that maybe, just maybe, you are one of my side chicks who stupidly thinks I am committed to you. Just because you get the last call of the day does not mean it is a relationship. Sometimes I’m just making my roll-call before going to bed.
But it’s your life anyways. I’m just sharing mine.

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