Just so we get is it straight, it’s a different year but nothing has really changed. The only change we know is that Liverpool is now topping the league table and that they have postponed their participation in the #10YearChallenge. I think we can make it 20.
If you are still breathing and swimming in the same sh@t, just shut up and continue living my sister. You know this New Year’s thing is not meant for everyone. And here are a few things why you should just not say a thing.
If you still exchange punani for KFC or taxi money, just shut up before we doom you. If you in any way show appreciation by giving your dignity away when a Namibian man buys you pizza or sends you airtime, then you are not in the new year my sister. Here we are talking to women who are coming out of their boyfriends’ shadows by going to school and getting pay slips.
If you still have the same broke partner, then you are still in 2018 – that was the year of poverty. In 2019, we are dating pay slips and those with building plans, not mascara and Instagram ambassadors.
If you weigh below 100 kg and you still here carrying water bottles and exercising on your status, we will doom you more fat. If you are still making noise about losing weight then please go back and complete your 2018.
Where the hell were you last year and why did you not dump the fat? You haven’t followed through your simplest resolution, so how the hell do you want to set up new goals. Empty promises can only be made by Swapo. So since we are going to act like we plan for the 365 days ahead, MfK has appointed a normalization committee of technocrats who are going to filter what we put through to 2019. The only resolutions we need is to be kind to each other and learn to all mind our business, full-time.
Just like we never wanted men who feel like having period cramps when they want to, we are separating true men and women by getting rid of those non-alcoholic beer and ciders. It is either you drink beer or you stick to water. No in-betweens. It’s a new year and no one is allowed be a two-in-one. With that said; you are also not allowed to be gay or putting your index finger on tender.
At times, clothes look good when they are in the store but they can surprise you when you put it on at home. No one ever comes out looking like the doll in the shops, just like you never get the KFC advertised by the franchise. There will be punishment for those who cannot put together colours or cover their bodies appropriately this year. We have the NDF to help and we are not asking questions.
FYI – going to Swakop is not travelling and you don’t need to take pictures at the ocean any more. You did that last year and the other year. We want to see pictures of where you sleep in the village. We all know that surname is rural, so please show us where you come from and maybe we will return the respect.
Please don’t be white. Whites hate being white too. This k@k of old women watching animation movies and men buying farming clothes when they don’t even own a pet at home is stopping this year. Any man who owns a bakkie but cannot drive gravel road must return that car to the bank to give away to the real farmers. Also, any man driving a Nissan March this year will be given the Miss Personality title.
We are tired of abortions and women with no balls who cannot stand pregnancies when the man runs away. Its common sense, when you have unprotected sex, biology dictates that you will miss your periods for a few months. If it is with the idiot who bought you pizza, then what do you expect when it was that simple.
Before you get her pregnant, please submit your CV at our offices for scrutiny. If you have never cared for a potplant or washed your own laundry even just once, then you do not qualify to have sperm or the freedom to ejaculate. We are tired of children with long distance relationships with their fathers.
In the same way we are going to call out men who are broke and unable to pay for status appearance fees, we also call out women to do the same about their boyfriends who beat them in relationships. We are tired of this thing of women being slaughtered and finding out that the idiot used to do it before, but that they were forgiven. Just like you expose his empty pockets, expose this beating.
Lastly, pastors are just like other men on the streets. Sleeping with one means you are sleeping with another woman’s hubby. But since that has never been a challenge, it is worth highlighting that their penis is no pass to heaven, jy sal k@k, just like Maria banged by Simon.
Final warning – this year we are beating men and women who cheat.