With it being Christmas and all the expectation (from myself) was that I would wax lyrically about the holiday season and how we should all be floating on bubbles and feeling amazing and preparing to spend time with family and repair burnt bridges and eat, drink and be merry.
The food we should be thinking about preparing for our meals from Christmas Eve through Christmas through Boxing Day and New Years’ Day, the delicacies and now we should avoid being repetitive with what we feed our friends and family and so on.
Although some of this is in fact in effect, my mind takes me elsewhere, to a seemingly more pressing issue, at least to me right now, and hopefully to some of you too.
How many of us have been in the throes of a relationship that essentially turns out to being with ourselves?
It sounds laughable I know, but it happens so often. We may or may not have been in a relationship with a person and then we are not anymore, but because of unresolved – let’s call them issues – we still maintain contact and have a friendship (situationship) with this person.
One thing that is not two, is that because we haven’t properly healed from our romantic engagement with such a person, feelings are apt to creep back in. Because you can’t take a doggy bag from a restaurant if you have no intention of eating it when you get home…..
Maybe that is a poor analogy, but you get my point.
So here we are, still talking to this person albeit now platonically and with no strings attached because we’ve severed ties, we’re not a thing anymore, we’ve been relegated ex (potential) status, or whatever the case may be.
One day a few months later, you find it’s 00.10am and you guys have been talking online for 2 hours. It feels comfortable and familiar and you ignore that you are crossing a few lines into what is strictly not within the ‘friend zone’ that you are in.
So the next day or two you make a concerted effort to not communicate or to not be as friendly because you really don’t want to eat the doggy bag.
Now, a few weeks pass by and you’re now comfortable again in your friend zone.
You think to yourself ‘I got this’, nothing’s gonna make my knees buckle again or make me swoon again or anything silly like that, I’m a grown ass woman, but you know as sure as you know your name that if that person were to even hint that maybe, perhaps, perchance there were a chance of a rekindling of a flame, you know that you would give that thing some very serious consideration!
Why are we like this though?
Why can’t we just let things go and then cut ties and then move on, because now we’re confusing ourselves?
We spend time thinking about what we should or shouldn’t do, we lay awake nights creating scenarios in our head about flitting futures that most probably will never materialise, we go over and over things said and written and whether or not there could be a double meaning with what was said or written and, and, and …
Why do we do this ourselves? ‘Cause next thing you know you’re smack bang in the middle of an embroilment emotionally that you didn’t have any intention of getting into again but there you sit.
You communicate, you panic. You don’t communicate, you panic. The few days in between where there is deliberate silence, you panic. Is that a way to live kanti? Panic stricken?
Those late night conversations happen more and more frequently now, and it’s beginning to resemble those times when it was all fresh, there’s an element of intrigue again now, because you’re trying to break away so there’s not that intense, honest, brutal communication as there would be in a relationship and so there is a tinge of mystery again to the person.
You spend some time during the day or those nights when you don’t talk, stalking their online pages, checking their likes on the gram, going through their Twitter and Facebook page, checking the profile of the people whose posts they like or comment on … (As a side note, if you happen to be among the lucky few who’s ‘amore’ don’t have much of an online footprint or presence, consider yourself lucky, cause wow! Some things will just leave you with heart palpitations.)
So now you’re done stalking, you’re there day dreaming, next thing “bloop” it’s their personalised alert tone on your phone.
First of all, we should learn to change those personalised tones back to the default ones and secondly if a notification gets your palms all sweaty, I’m sorry beloved, it’s time you take a good long look at your interaction with that specific person.
I write all this to ask this – Why do we agree to break up with someone when we aren’t really ready to? Because the crux of the matter is that as much as starting a relationship is a consensual thing, ending one is as much a consensual thing, or should be.
Chrissy Teigen says that when John Legend tried to break up with her once early on in their relationship she told him no. I tried that once and it worked for me too tbqh.
Now when the person approaches you on some ‘no I can’t anymore’ and it is sort of sprung on you, what we need to do is take a step back and say, ‘let me think on it.’ Let’s talk it through in a sensible manner because a unilateral decision cannot be made especially when there is no like real, tangible ‘issue’ at the time.
I think we often reach a point in relationships where things are not looking so great and maybe even personally and it just feels like everything the other person is saying rubs you up the wrong way and irks the daylights out of you and then you say ‘I’m done’, maybe in some ways hoping that they’ll give you a reason to not be done, but then they don’t and you’re stuck with your decision.
Also something to bear in mind that a lot of us tend to not, is that even when you are with somebody, you are also still your individual self. You remain you and they remain them and where you decided to merge yourselves (lol) should not be where you lose yourselves. It is an important realisation we are a couple but we are also an individual.
‘Cause remember, when you’re spiritually connected with someone, often times you feel their pressures, their emotions, their burdens and you can even mistake them as your own if you are not spiritually aware. So when they come to you miserable, you respond miserably, instead of maybe having taken a step back at that time.
That time may save you a lot of tossing and turning.
Now here you sit, struggling to not carry your heart on your sleeve, giving off signals that are being misinterpreted or exaggerated because you don’t want to be that person who went back.
My sister, my brother, if the doggy bag is still ok, eat. Just do it.
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** This is the last column for 2018. My fervent hope is that I have somehow in the very short last few weeks managed to make a little impact and offered some reprieve in your life, so that you look forward to us sharing a more meaningful journey in the New Year and beyond.
I wish the nation at large a very merry and safe Christmas.
Be careful on our roads, be gentle with the environment and consider the less fortunate as much as possible.
A blessed and favourable 2019 to all.