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Sunday 21 April 2019
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How to spot a f*ckboy

The festive season is upon us and it’s that time of the year when we will see who was been renting and those who actually were playing with their own. Side chicks are the most unhappy at this time of the year.

I understand every girl’s dream is to get her Mr Right and the man who will put an end to the abortions and morning-after pills. But their habit of going to the wrong Mr Rights’ makes me conclude that there is just no hope with some people. They be busy running from one relationship to another situationship, just to start over the same journey on a different road.

I’m not a fan of these young boys who just want to play because not only do they make us real men look bad but they are taking all diamonds and leaving us with stones to catch. It’s unfair and the Comrade above knows this too. Now they be sobbing and uttering words like – ‘all men are trash’ just because of a few.

Under such utterances, you get to come close to the reality that she met her dog and now thinks we are all like that. It’s not easy for us who wish to prosper.

But this is how I think we can distinct the f*ckboys from those of us who really want to stay even after breakfast.

If your relationship or whatever you call it started with – “Psst, sister, you look familiar and I like booty, mind if we get to know each other” – then he is the one. Typical fuckboys like you for everything only a mirror shows because they have no time to X-Ray your intellect. All their complements fall on any rounded part of your body because they know that’s all you dare to fix.

He does not care what you do with your life. As long as he pays for your Savanah and sometimes buys you data bundles and you return the favour with good sex any time, place and in a well-rehearsed style. In fact, he will make you feel so guilty that all you can give back is sex. He is all you ever needed after the endless short chapters you had in your life. At times you might even confuse him for a God-sent who will send you into “thank-You” prayers.

Well, your infatuated dreams only stand virginity until he eats the scrambled eggs and you realise that it was just a repetition of the k&k you went through with the other dog, your Ex.

I know women like to be lied to but f*ckboys are just too good at this. We (I mean they), sell complementary dreams and thats all you are looking for. He can cheat on you with a ring on his finger, a wedding photo in his car and still make you believe you are the only one.

A f*ckboy is that comrade who cheats respectfully. The side chick knows, they will never get there. He on the other side is shamelessly enjoying the benefits of a double plug.

He drives a Toyota Land Cruiser, Ford Ranger or Amarok but does not own a farm. He hates the sound of gravel road and you never hear him mention anything rural.

He knows that a Golf GTi (or whatever number) is a woman’s dream so he will buy that, tint its windows and all that happens inside is a mystery.

What happens inside that car stays there including your stinky panties. Ever wonder why it has a confused smell on the backseat and he is always at a carwash every Sunday?

The week was indeed long. VWs have taken many virginities today.

The young f*ckboys cruises in a white Toyota Corolla (Dankie Botswana), dropped to earth in Khomasdal to get in the youngest of confused teenagers and born-agains. He has every music genre from gospel to kwaito but knows zero lyrics. Its just for you.

Talk about what you mean to him. To him you are most useless when you are on your periods. He will not invite you to sleep over of even to see you behind any closed doors. His mood changes drastically when you break the news.

He celebrates that you are on your periods because this means you are not pregnant, but moves to the neighbour for a week until you come back to your useful state.

Before you go out with your checklist cancelling out every f*ckboy you have been indulging, be informed that they come in different types. Some even come out of retirement to resume just that role.

So do not go far. Just start with the guy on your left. He has been screwing both you, your neighbour and the born-again girl at the end of the street.

And just like the guy he is, you all have an expiry date to your bedroom standing. Wake Up!

Sharpies




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