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Sunday 21 April 2019
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When your mother lied

The first lie you were told was by your mother. She said you were the most beautiful/handsome child in the entire world, but you are the last born. Well, I don’t blame her because a mother wouldn’t tell you otherwise when she doesn’t want us to question her sexual preferences.

She obviously told you that you should behave and only those who don’t lie will eat sweets in heaven. I bet she also told you that you are a child of God regardless of what your Full Birth Certificate says.

She told you that only well behaved girls will one day be treated like queens by their kings and step on the altar to say ‘I Do.’ She told you that guys are trash but didn’t say anything about your father.

What she doesn’t tell you is why you are in the care of your stepfather and that life fucks us all differently. What she didn’t tell you is that if you didn’t grow up with your father, chances are that you are going to look for him.

What your mother didn’t tell you is that life is not your place where everything is possible. The only right and privilege you have is the ability to ‘dream.’ So stop behaving like a grade 7 girl with Sunday clean pink panties – don’t ask me how I saw it.

Did she tell you that while your father whips you for coming home late, somewhere out there is a girl your age or younger telling him to behave and stop being childish?

When you come from a family of 5 or more, your mother knows that there will be a drunkard, the thief, the stupid one and at least a whore (male or female). She just will not tell you that it will be you but she knows. Some of you already showed the sign from a young age so we knew all along.

Just like your enemy never finds you with a weapon or let alone ready, a beautiful woman who is willing to give it to you that evening never finds you with a condom. So that is how many of you with beautiful mothers were born.

Please don’t go ask because it done and you are lucky she didn’t take morning-after pills. At least your father was a flirt and told her he would stick around, but your brother has a different mother.

I am sure she also told you not to go for the world wealth because good things come to those who wait. She told you to be patient and not rush for things because your true God will bring all that is meant for you at the right time. What she didn’t tell you is that if you wait, chances are that you will get what is left by those who went out to seek what belongs to them.

That’s why you end up with an ugly partner humbled by life. That is why you end up being the kind one who waits for others to eat and pray they leave something for you.

What she didn’t tell you is that there are people out there who are not waiting and are working hard taking what would have belonged to you.

What she also didn’t tell you is that age 30 is the mark off. If you have nothing by 30, please remind yourself that you are the one in five children who is destined to be the useless one.

I’m also sure she told you that anything is possible. That is why we have kwaito dancers, street models, Ombili artists and those who think a skinny jean and a push-up bra will make them female. Possibilities se voet. Namibianise your dreams, girls and boys.

No kwaito dancer made it in life. No model made it in Namibia. No artist besides a few made it in life and that era has reached sunset. And surely, bae for sex is shit. So go to school and study something useful, get a proper job and do your modeling and dancing when you are bored. Your mother at least owes you that truth.

Not every person you see with a beard is a man. Cats too are born with whiskers, and they too often look honorable. The only difference is that we call small cats ‘kittens’ but we have not established the line between men and kittens. But you can imagine if men without beards were made the face of Purity. And your boyfriend is the face of Johnson’s – he never grows.

Society will teach you the difference between real men and those in the bodies of men. Your mama didn’t tell you that there are idiots who will screw you because she too does not know which the right ones are.

Think of the idiot you have in your life now, the one who has ruined your pH system. Your mother should know best but chose not to tell you this.

I have not lived long enough to be advising you what your mother should know but I bet she also has not told you that society has an MfK who does the very same thing he warns you against. It’s the beauty of human beings.

Everyone knows the recipe of failure but they still buy the ingredients. Guys who think I’m cock-blocking you, don’t worry – many will not listen. Let’s fix this country and start by asking your mother.

I wish I could help more than this but I’m not your mother. Sharpies




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