Tuesday 18 May 2021
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December, she is almost here

It’s sobiso almost this time of the year again when besides cheating, kulukutaring and drinking, everything else is opened just by the snap of some dirty fingers. Santa and all traditional Christmas gift-bringers are rehearsing how to give girls the best time and yours truly has already started saving for every hardworking delinquent. It may be in the area of drinking, good company or simply for the best customer service. Eke wali 4call.

It will start off with that village girl who once came to Windhoek cramped in a Siyaya bus that spends the whole day on the road but she now be asking to go home with a private hike. Otovele hano? Apparently she’s “Looking for private hike to Ongwediva tomorrow at 21h00.

It must be a clean and fast car. Payment is very ready.” Laliful. Nobody in your immediate family ever bought a car, but here you are behaving like you were showered with petrol. Save up some money, go to Monte Christo and support the brothers. You have three months to go. Unless you are broke and that is why you wanna go with private hike. We all know what those rest trees are used for.

As a child, when you play in the streets and mommy calls, you throw away all the toys because mommy will not call you twice. So yes, watch the boyfriend and uncle bae you had the entire year. You have three months to chop his money and dream that he is the one. Come December, he is going back to boss Madam. Mommy has called so it is only fair that he throws away the toys (you and the rest wannabe wifies) and goes to the real Madam.

Then there are those who run to Swakop and go sleep in bungalows because they have no room or bed back at the village. Idiots have cars and money to buy all the festive booze but do not even own a blanket in his village.

They are planning to come chill in Swakop while their family does not even have rice to eat for Christmas. Their poverty-stricken cousins are walking around with broken pants while they spend their bonus on other people’s daughters. Chief, you have three months to buy your bed and go home this Decemeber. Sommer cancel that accommodation booking.

Guys who are dating grade 10 or 12 pupils this year – please call and tell them to study because you will need them in December. Don’t be shy, age is just a number. I can’t say the same about stupidity though. This is the time that determines if the grade 10 girls will finally become a Kandeshi or go back to school.

They call it Damara matric but I would call it kindergarten Prostitution. Take it from me, most beautiful girls who are now kasi-vagina tour guides only have a grade 9 report card to their names. A limited number of them have grade 12 and those are the ones who chill in the hotels while the rookies chill outside and under the bridges. So do the right thing and slay with your ka-young one this December knowing she is headed to Grade 11 or varsity.

Babies born in September, you are a keDecember mistake because just like manners, using condoms was foreign to your parents. For some reason, just like Winna Mariba, sex is on special this month. Yes, young ladies will be on SuperAweh giving it to whoever makes their night, just because it’s December. Please put some money aside and invest in buying condoms. I’m tired of September birthday wishes every day.

Are you still invited to a December wedding this year? Shame!
Again and again. But these things only get to you if you have a brain. I hear from an elder that the more times a girl is made bridesmaid, the slimmer your chances of becoming a bride. How bad are you, not even the magistrate? Huh? Really? Yes, your erotic social life will never get you to the altar. The luckiest and closest you will ever come to the smell of legit marriage is by invite to a real woman’s wedding. Being a bridesmaid means you are simply decoration and people rely on your logistics skills. So go ask that guy kutya what plans he has for you or you will be peeling potatoes again this December. You still have time.

And if you are broke at the moment, please save up some money to avoid being the follower. This thing of calling your friends’ Grootman’ must come to an end. You are embarrassing yourself. I’m writing this with all the love I have for you, otherwise, we need examples of life gone wrong too. If you don’t plan your December now, you will be the guy we will be sending to the shop for ice cubes and the madam we told our side-chick to bring along for a friend.

Bitter love for you…

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