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Monday 22 April 2019
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Dear Madam, Please Sit Down

Recently and for some time now, I have observed how every relationship-deprived angel and uncircumcised guy are getting into a relationship. I would normally press the ignore button but I hope it is not too late for me to undress this matter.

While there’s nothing wrong with getting into a relationship, I want to tell you to sit down for now and let those who are ready start the test.

You’re a student yet you are here praying for babies and a man who works and has a car and a place of his own so that you can go over and play housewife wana-be. I don’t know to which deity you pray but by all means we are gonna pull a Shoprite on your prayers.

I don’t hate you but honestly, I have to tell you that true and real men like my older brother are attracted to women who can help them grow and are on their level. They are not attracted to zeros.

Good men want someone who can meet them half way. So sit down and be honest with yourself. You are just a ride and that is why you will continue to sit on the left.

To that madam preaching about love on Facebook, or sharing about how God is good and will provide a soul mate, please sit down. We see you going down at night with nothing close to the Bible. Find yourself and at least be honest with what you want in life.

You cannot be the saint and a taxi at the same time. And while you praise him so much, he probably registered you as Wi-Fi in his phonebook (instead of Wifey) because that is all he needs you for, to connect. So sit down and reassess your fantasies.

And please young girl, date someone on your level. Why are you so scared to relate to the struggles of your peers? So now you are dating your ‘hubby’ who is 20 years older.

What do you talk about with this old man? Do you talk about evaporation, transpiration, or do you ask him to share the details of the Cold War?

Does he do your homework for you or what do you really talk about with a man whom you could be his child. No, leave the State House please.

You have to understand that there is nothing as sweet as being young and innocent. That is why older men and women will always want to go a little bit down.

They like it tight and in shape. But it is just for a ride because the rightful owner is always waiting at home. Sit down and think about it.

You also have to understand that with age comes a lot of things. For goodness sake, you are 20-something; you don’t even have a tax certificate; you have probably gone to bed less than 10 times and you want to date a veteran with a body count of 69?

What do you want for yourself? Stop telling me that age is just a number because it is people like you who end up being just that, a number.

So now that you are just waiting to insult me for my confessions, I want you to take note of the following things: Your happiness is your responsibility and it does not depend on anyone. If the idiot threatens to commit suicide when you say you want to leave, tell him to go ahead.

You don’t have to be in a relationship that is defined by the number of times you visit his room. Otherwise, visit my house because I enjoy screwing such people.

Next time you pray for a baby and a decent family, also pray for some intelligence so that you don’t fall for me. A degree and knowledge of filling in a government employment form would do. Maybe you should also exit the slay-queen group and join that group where they post so many vacancies.

For now, the same way you have a password on your phone, please close your legs until he taps the right password. If you are going to make it an easy-peasy 1234, then watch as any fool cracks that combination. Any fool can count from one to five.

And by the way, I don’t trust you because your legs and face don’t share the same complexion. Also don’t trust him if he speaks to you with his hands in his pockets. All he wants is to beg you and eventually bang you to the walls.

That thief!

So take a sit and just take a chill. It’s still early to be whoring around because you have so many years to go. If you cannot keep it tight, look at the slay queen of yesteryear.
Sharpies…




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