Friday 23 April 2021
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All roads lead to the north

I don’t know who told the guys north of Oshivelo that everything should happen as from August and only share a December with the rest of Namibia. It’s that time again when social media will be flooded with blurry wedding photos, rural trade fairs, Olufuko backgrounds with everything pixilated but the tities of grade 7 girls place on maturity shelves.

The north is quiet for the rest of the year until now. The little you here of them is the passion killing but even that happens mostly in the city. I don’t want us to get to the who because we know men are trash regardless.

For the sixth time the slay queen is again chosen to be the bridesmaid and never the bride. I find it sentimentally wrong to always be in this position. For three times, it’s fine. But four times are the maximum. You should be good enough to have gotten a man with marriage desires. But ouf, what do you expect when you are dating the asshole who is only good for getting you to the wedding and resting at the room where the alcohol is stored? It’s better to be dating a rural guy north of Oshivelo than be hooked to the chester in Windhoek who is always the one sent to get ice on a month-end chill session. These are the guys who buy kapana spice and never the meat. The guys who drink all makes of Hunters and know how to set up a hubbly-bubbly pipe with precision but cannot get their life in order.

Those educated ones are taking tents to camp at their own houses in the village since they have no structure equivalent to a room. It is that time of the year when the children are put out of their own rooms to accommodate the home visitor who brought them a sack of oranges from a service station in Tsumeb.

But back to the weddings. A wambo village wedding is a harambee party for the entire village. Even the woman who once called the girl a bitch will be seen jumping up high in ululation. All her exes too are coming to the wedding just to mourn the end of quckies during the ‘girls’ night out’. Let’s face it, no woman is clean. The fact that she is good in bed means someone taught her. Some NUST dux students come from a combined school in a village not known. The same goes with your wife – we were there but thanks for taking her out of our hands.

It is during this time men attend weddings in suits bought for scouting to come and check out the bridesmaid. If your girlfriend is a bridesmaid, rest assured that we will go hit on her and you know what happens under the wedding fever. Yes, we sort them out with alcohol and the rest will be under the mistake cloud. So if she tell you that she is headed to the north this month, thank you in advance.

The married toppies will also be headed to the north leaving their wives at home with the kids in Windhoek. We all know where to find then in Ongwediva and Oshakati. Nobody has better eyesight than a married man coming out of a Windhoek West guesthouse with his side chick. He can even see bad smell. Just imagine what he can do in the north when not so many of you know him there. Your Husband is becoming uncle bae this month.

There is also that Heroes’ Day I don’t even understand why and who we celebrate in a country that cannot produce a box of toothpicks but claims to have won some arm struggle. Again, while the rest are headed to Heroes Acre, the Wambos are in convoy headed to the north. You will soon hear of road accidents, its Wambos headed to the north. And for some reason, there is always a donkey on the road. Some who never want to drive slowly will not even make it for the weddings.

The guy who owes you money will be the talk of the Northern towns after telling you that he cannot pay you back. The broke guys who are full of jokes will be the best company for the rich idiots whose humour is as dreary as the backdrop. Everyone is in a relationship but everyone is ready to mingle with their rings and romantic WhatsApp status. So if your partner is away this month and is not picking up, it’s a festive in the north. And just by the way, no one goes to bed early, they are sleeping elsewhere. There is proper reception at every corner of the north so do take the bullshit excuse, the phone is simply put on flight mode.

When all this is done, let us come back to our faithful relationships and everyday poverty. Ask not why and how the girl from Wanaheda knows that your man is circumcised. The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

Anyone who has been in a relationship for the past five years, please, I need old question papers. This whoring life has got me out of tune and I just want to start my Wambo festive season marriage material. Sharpies…

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