Politicians and pastors are on the same WhatsApp group called ‘F*ck-Up Namibia’. All founding members have administrative rights as no one wants to be ruled by the other.
In Namibia, the closest you can come to becoming stupid is through one of the two. The most dangerous ones are those who do not subscribe to any of the two as you just never know. At least, with a politician, you know you are safe because everything is postponed, just like the return of Jesus (who is his own father and the spirit), says the pastor.
Christianity is like a black person, they have all the time in the world. A black person is never in a hurry. See them in town; go to their work places, walking slowly destined to nowhere. And just like Liverpool fans, they never walk alone. They believe tomorrow will be a better day. And they are waiting for Jesus who has not made any appointment so He can come at any time or choose never to come – at least that we know.
Politicians on the other hand are the biggest sanity rapists. They f*ck every inch of sense out of your mind just for a bread-with-butter promise. The very same way men screw women, it’s the same vocabulary. Words of a better tomorrow devoid of any current actions. That’s why our politicians are so busy preaching these days and doing f****l – it works for the mind-f*cked Namibians.
Politicians are the only people who will tell you that something is critical but stable. The ‘but’ in that statement represents him as the alternative. Churches have become ministries and embassies. I don’t know what documents they give but I’m guessing it sounds inviting for those who think there is a heaven and hell somewhere.
If you do not believe in the politician, your hell starts when you start looking for a job. The good circles in politics are reserved for those with the right colours. Alike, heaven is reserved for those who go to church and those who follow the pastor.
In politics, its either you clap hands or open your legs to the kingpin in order to get the receptionist desk. The same is in church, you just don’t become an altar-boy or the girl who stands next to the money bowl on Sunday. The pastor has to whip you in the right direction.
If you join the other church, your pastor will complain because no one likes sharing. That’s why the next church is always the Devil’s temple. Try wearing a PDM underwear to a Shawapo bedroom expo and see how your precious private part loses its’ value right away. The two preach unity but not with the neighbour.
Opportunities only knock once, but if you hear more than three knocks, then you know it is zombie looking for Harambee votes or that guy from Christ Embassy who thinks you need to be born again and does not mind doing it for you in your house. Not even Food Bank knocks twice.
They both need you, but just for themselves. Just like the Zimbabwean accountants who go house-by house selling brooms, they do not mind coming to your house too. Their offer is the best and second to none.
Confuse them with foreign terms, after all, they believe in what they don’t see, know and hear every day. Harambee is the church equivalent to Jesus. The only difference is one is a tried and tested (and failed) while the other is a living unknown, delayed and yet to be tested.
I’ve lost count of the number of pastors with foreign passports making a killing in our country at the expense of our salvation-hungry masses. It the easiest way to make money in the sense-deprived country. Just create a church because everyone already believes you before you even open your mouth.
We know Tate Shafishuna for his hate for ‘omashenge’ and his throw-up Vision 2030 promise. God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit should bless him more years to see his promise materialize. We will remember Lukas for making Hailulu famous and cutting ribbons. The current chesta will be remembered for more years, but particularity walking the talk that age is just a number.
I don’t know how old the bible is because of so many distorted facts about it just like in politics. Here we will remember the three-in-one guy as the guy who made us wait forever. Just like politicians, this guy doesn’t respect us oshili. But the rhetoric around serves a greater purpose. Fear the same guy who is supposed to protect you. He loves you so much that if you don’t listen to him, he will send you in a place where you will burn forever. Now, I don’t know how you passed Physical Science but the part of burning forever does not sound right, unless said by a politician because they are the only ones who go around saying things that don’t make sense.
One day you will regret not living your life to the fullest when you find out that there was no one watching. But politics ain’t the answer too because it’s the same k*k.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.