Just so you know, my Facebook birthday is not real. But it was somewhere in 2014 when I started with this shit, around this month.
And just like every 50 year old Erastus still wants to celebrate their birthday, today is my day – not to talk shit but simply to say thank you.
This space has given me the opportunity to talk kak and get away with it unquestioned.
I remember receiving an attached word document via e-mail from some woman (I think the pastor’s side chick) about how I should pray more and go to their Oshiveva church in Ombili.
It was on this space that I braaid your files every week but you still came out strong. I told you how useless your partners were and sometimes you too, but you still continue to be brainwashed.
Hands up to all those who are still with their partners since 2014. Now, this only means one of you has not touched the other’s phone nor have you asked why it is always on silence when he comes over.
This could also mean that one of you is just good at borrowing sugar from the neighbour at no trace. But if you have been in a relationship for four years now and he has not yet proposed, then you are the side chick. If your girl has not been bothered by your silence on life’s plans, then its because she is sorted by another nigga. But hang in there, I still love you.
And then there are those who are still getting the brother-friend zone tag. My little experience from primary school when I started having sex was simple.
If you cannot get a woman to bite her lips in the first 30 days, then prepare your cute and caring ass for the family zone.
That’s why your type of women continue going with the next guy. It’s not about money or looks, matured women love confidence and if you don’t have that, they have a space or you called the friend-zone.
And there is never an ugly guy there because those niggas have confidence.
Unlike you, they are not afraid to lose a friend because their looks are lonely enough.
Four years ago I started writing about useless men who still have nothing but Instagram drinking sessions photos and a whole gallery full of school girls who look like responsible women.
If four years later you still don’t know the price of a blanket or ceramic plate at China Town, then we should castrate you, buy you a Wambo dress and ask Kauandenge to sponsor Otjikaiva.
These are my comrades hitting forty, with five baby mamas and still looking at high school kids. But yeah, I still love these guys because they are the only people who have the guts to mess up your life when you don’t listen to me.
Four years later we still have those who just can’t seem to have hobbies but rather invest their time on investigating people’s lives.
Bet they are so fit now because all the do is run tabs on other people’s lives. They are the ones who know that your make up is whack.
Tell you to be a man when they can’t find you a job. Tell you to stop sleeping around when you don’t run around with their private parts. Tell you to buy a car when she doesn’t know the smell of fuel. And the list continues.
But we need to understand kutya life will always have those who have nothing to do but be concerned about us.
It’s because of us that they have opinions so just keep loving them like that.
But as we celebrate the idiots who gave me inspiration every Friday, I would also like to take my hat off for all of you. Your love for my work has kept this bullshit talking going strong.
Most of the time, I wrote about the person right next to you because some of you told me about them.
I have made a few relationships out of this column and so have even come to know me in person.
I cannot mention all the names of my fans but I hope this blabbering and boring column on my birthday keeps you hooked for real [email protected] coming next week.
It will be aimed at you and everything you did but did not take a picture of.