Sunday 16 May 2021
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The fake SONA

For the sake of time and the little money we have left in the country to eat, I would like to piss on the protocol established by those who spoke before me. Thank you all for pretending to have a reading interest. You already know what I’m about to say by the way.

Today I am on top of you to deliver my penultimate state of the kasi address as your third bedroom elected f**k-up. I would like us to reflect on the year that was on top of you and the year to come still screwing things up.

In my inaugural address some time two years ago, I envisioned a strong, united, inclusive and prosperous Kasi, a place of peace and refuge for all voting idiots. This narrative is now widely embraced and expressions such as “No Namibian should feel left out”, “I made money before you were born”, “Chip in and Chip out to China,” and “One Kasi, One Nation”, have all become part of the daily discourse and shared notion of nationhood.

Let us take stock that it was another year of doing f*kol besides what we do best which is, eat, eat and eat on your behalf. In my cabinet, I have made sure that 90 percent of us here today have beer bellies, except the likes on Nekundi and Haufiku of course who walk around with water bottles. Even the ministry of poor people has one. Even Sacky. No, Kanime was not part of us. With the others who don’t show them, check their bank balances to confirm.

For my government, words don’t have meaning and as such do not carry truth. Corruption was our daily bread. I have made sure that all my comrades are sorted, starting with the resettlement farms to residential plots. We died for this land and we are still here to have it. It was our motto to steal in silence and even when the media torches on us, all we do was pretend like we were doing something about it. I told my boy Paulusha to see to it that none of the Tanganyika crew and the new cabinet interns ever make it to court. It is embarrassing togoba.

We also made sure that we sell a part of the country to the China man. A week ago I took all my Instagram follower to the populated lands to auction off the land of the brave. Do not worry, we represented you very well and we have your share that you will only get after the next elections if you skip Venaani and the angry Nama who likes telling the truth.

Let us lead and they follow. Crime stats were enormously high. The stats not reported were those at the State House. Some of the money we ate through funeral tenders for comrades. Other monies we chopped through roads constructed on paper and used what was left to buy myself Independence matrix cars. You all saw them in Sumeb. Not even the rain could stop us.

We will continue to praise the youth for their uselessness and only ability to praise and respect our k*k. We want to inform you that this government does not give a f**k about youth development, ask Jerry and his recycled and old chair Agnes how much we give that minstry. We will continue to eat up their NSFAF money and allow them to graduate for the streets.

This year, UNAM, ex Poly and Namwandi’s vetkoek Dorado kitchen will put another thousand on the streets. But there are no worries as we will tell then that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Almost forgot, I also got myself a Chinese original qualification. Nicanor also got one made at Unam signed by himself.

Comrades, let us pull the youth into the same direction. Engage them like myself and Nicky did. Let them feel they are part of the room and not just the bedroom. Widows on the house, engage the young boys as long as you don’t give them public status.

They will not mind as long as you give them a little incentive. You are on your menopause streak so it cannot get any better for you. Some of us only wish. It is in the interest of those who elected us to know what government is doing. So keep them busy and they won’t see anything. It is only fair to concern yourself with the smoothness of the toilet paper that wipes your anus.

We have been downgraded, but that is normal as there is nothing that goes up but does not come down. It is up to those who will take on the fourth round to worry to last long. My energies are limited to today’s quickie.

More than ever in the last 28 years, I have brought this country to its knees with your assistance in so many ways. The youth are starting to wake up from the political sleep so we do not have much time to put this country to sleep. And even they should catch up, we should only be giving them the titbits. Where were they after all when we were dying for this land?

For now, let us act like we care. Give them a little. They will only complain when they are not eating. Tell me sh*t if you have to but as long as we are all eating. As long as you play the ball and not the man, we will f**k up this country like we are destined to.

Yours truly,
Oshinona kashina omikalo

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