Saturday 15 May 2021
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Single Valentine, again

I don’t know when God was most busy but I suspect this was the same day the Devil introduced Valentine’s Day. On this day, the devil said, ‘…let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. And because every woman today want to be shown the love in action, you can just imagine the deception.


On this day, sex tapes will leak again just because she agreed to take the present. Yes, November babies are Valentines’ Day quickies gone wrong. Maybe one lover will be dumped and slapped. But none the less, the day that makes no meaning to life, just like Christmas, is here.


I confirmed with my bible friend and she says this shenanigan day does not exist anywhere in the bible. Not even a single mention. If was a tribe, Valentine’s Day would be a Mbadja, one of those Oshiwambo dialects that people want to believe exists but no one can confirm from where.


This is the most strenuous time for guys in relationships. When I was a bit younger, I would switch off my phone off and play sick. Women on the other hand are fully into it and carry no remorse for you because they do well on the receiving end of everything.


But I bet it’s even worse for single people. I mean, it’s Valentine’s Day again and you are still single. I have no chills for single people because these are the people in society with ample opportunities that they just don’t grab. This is the girl who is bridesmaid every year maara gets no guy. And for things to sound even worse, they come and lie to us all that they are single by choice. We all know it’s a lie. The circumstances are not in your favour.


Everyone wants a partner so don’t come lie to us that you are happy alone when all your friends now and then come to work with a ka-little love bite and still tell you of their plans after work. Nobody is happy alone, not even the devil and his friend God. The only people who are happy being single are those divorced. But you have no one to blame but you.


All you do is go to work and back home. Where the f#ck do you expect to find a man when you don’t want men without wheels. If you are single, at least stop being single. Show some cleavage sometimes, put on a legging, smell good, just mind f#ck a random guy and maybe he will pick it up.


That guy you are eying for some time now, tell him. He might refer you to his friends who is in the same boat. Go to Chopsi’s and quatradinhu a little bit into some white guy. You cannot be single and disabled on the dancefloor. At least pick up a skill and we can start there. Get yourself somebody before the status of being single becomes the new thing.


The longer you stay single, the lower your standards drop. What use to be shit and ugly will become normal. You even start regret dumping your ex because they too are now married.


Come to think of it, Being single is actually like looking for a job, especially when you think your Safari conference room degree cannot do grade 10 duties.


At first you are picky because someone told you not to settle for less. The longer your drought continues, you start taking the ‘minimum’. This is your part time jobs while you wait for ‘something right’ to come your way. Single people f#ck up best in this phase. This is when they sleep with other people’s partners hoping they get attached and before you know it, their application to becoming side-chick or nigga has been accepted.


And then they are disappointed. And then all men are crop. And then they want to try again.


But this time, they are looking for inner beauty. Look for that +30 year old woman and see the husband. The two have a contradictory look but all is well because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Remember what I said about the standards when you remain single for too long?


So there is nothing like single and happy. That’s just to make you sleep at night while you figure out a strategic plan to get that guy who doesn’t want you. But there is hope.


Stop thinking about Valentin’s Day today because chances are you are going to be someone’s ‘one night’ partner. I don’t want to see you buying gifts for people who have zero significance to your life. The day after, go out and get yourself a partner out there.


I know the struggle with the right men on limited edition but try your luck. You might just stumble on me and we could celebrate the devil’s day every day. But just not on Valentine’s Day because all you will get is blue ticks and not response – it hurts.
Let’s talk next week

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