Sunday 18 April 2021
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Man of God, sit down

My favourite verse of all time and a middle finger to the rookie Christians who think they have arrived at the doorsteps of heaven; ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future; Jeremiah 29:11.

God, I know you understand my cry and I know you answer when I pray. God, the only causes of deaths that are never investigated are those caused by nature. So this is what I want you to do for me and probably many others. You see neh, those ladies who walk around in my street on days when normal people are busy with their lives and just start talking to you with no intro whatsoever. God, just when they open their mouth, send through a little lightning on their head. I will stand a ka-distance just so that it takes the right person.

I’ve reached a boiling point with the born agains who think their God is greater than mine and hence I should jump on their bus. Just like God created a few stupid people, those not so faithful including your husband and that girl I was partying with last night and today is in church to say ‘sorry’, kindly allow and give space for equal existence for those not in your lane.

We have too many rules on top of the 10 Commandments of which I have not mastered them all and God knows that because it’s our business. You see, I too have a relationship with my God and its’ status is none of your business. It’s sacred and in whichever status it reaches the imaginary gates of some infatuated judgement day, it is still none of your business.

You see, not everyone wants to be saved, at least not by your invite. If you think your parents were wrong for taking you to the ‘wrong’ church, then solve that out with them. In fact, the neighbor you didn’t  talk to this morning on your way to church, go back and spend a day with them before coming to tell me the wonders God can do in my life.

And yes you are probably gonna tell me about the wrongs about how my church preaches the gospel and how I should wake up. My granny once said; ‘He who is sleepy should go to bed, let the rest of us remain awake.’ Just because you apparently woke up does not mean you should ring the alarm.
Allow me to wake up at my own time, that’s if I even want to. After all, God works in ways that men cannot comprehend.

I would become a born again any day, but the numbers of women on the bus are very disturbing. I do not know why women want salvation so much. What have you done so wrong that you need forgiveness for? And, why would he send you instead of coming to me himself? I mean, this is the comrade who walks on water and gives life on top of turning water into wine; so is he that busy to come to me himself? Laliful.

If Jesus was as desperate to save people like you, I do not think he would be half as popular as he is now when the human soul is born with the instincts of right and wrong. The Bible is written by me and you. It is written in your essence. Nobody needs to tell you that it is wrong to kill your mom. It is written in your essence. Perhaps for the sake of employment, if you look at it from the pastor’s side who keeps telling you that which you already know.

If there is any good thing that has happened in your life, it’s all because you have worked for it. The good husband you have, it’s because you chose well and kept your legs closed such that they are of marriage value. The job you just got, it’s because you qualified neh. You are not blessed with a child – you had unprotected sex. God was not involved because you surely listened well enough to your parents about what a good man should be and your father was surely one. God had no hand in it.

I don’t go to church. God says the body is the temple so I’m walking in church every day. I’m made in his image so if I’ve a sense of humour, it means he has one too. What I use my sense of humour for, it means he does too.

And while we are here, kindly advise me on whom Adam and Eve’s son got married to when they were the first family. Or did we have another family outside Eden? So you see, before you come and tell me that I’m lost and my church is misleading me, let’s correct the facts. Clean your house and just because you think yours is polished do not assume I want the same.

Man of God and self-appointed disciple of the unknown, stay in your lane. For all you know, there is no heaven nor life after death.



MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.

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