Namibia, land of the desperate
I thought I was a tough Wambo-Damara man until I was recently introduced to a new phobia. It makes me tsaratsatsa. I was bold and brutal to the world until I got to understand the fear of desperate men and women.
If you do not have any fear in life, I advise you to register this one. Not just so you come off looking human, but for your safety and that of your thoughts. Brave is an understatement to them because the ability of a desperate human being is way beyond your imagination.
You think you have made it in life, the first ‘desperates’ are the ones who go to church more than once a week. My very rural parents always had to chase us to the gates of the Lord every Sunday.
The basics were that you needed biblical guidance if you wanted to go eat sweets in heaven. All of a sudden, people now attend church on Tuesdays, Thursdays and sometimes even Saturdays before the traditional Sunday.
I’m afraid of the degree at which some of my friends are looking for salvation. I really do not know what wrongs they have done and how bad it really is that they need to be forgiven every third day. I guess they are praying for us.
In my next life, I want to become a pastor because the black community has become so gullible in the name of salvation. I will save them indeed. But I also want to wait for the day they get disappointed – you know the day they die and find out there is no heaven. Just imagine the regret wishing they return to be the whore they were told not to be.
And then there are those who want everything perfect but not themselves. Like the other day I heard this woman pray at the alter (without any shame) to the dear Lord that she wants a good man.
I mean, the Lord, if he is even listening that time, has more pressing priorities like the Namibian government and you want to take his attention away for a desktop search of a good man. Really now! And who said there are good men out here when all of us are just the same nogo?
But wait, if her search does not shock you yet, you should be worried of the extent at which she can go to get her Mr Right. These are the madams who can give it all to anything and anyone should the result narrate the words ‘Mr. Right.’ These are the very same women who later wish their loved ones away. When they see you now start hiding your bank card, be sure that you will not get any time to explain. Just like they say if you hear the gun shot it’s because it was not meant for you, we will be referring to you in the past tense. Never underestimate the power of a desperate woman.
If you think I’m talking trash, please take a kasi tour through the streets of Windhoek’s Wambo Lokasie and Donkerhoek. These are the only places where you find houses led by women. It’s not some form of deliberate women empowerment but the madams made sure they got what they wanted. And the husbands are not away for holiday neh.
And if you think women are the only ‘desperates’ you should fear in this top-crop republic, the brothers have also stepped up their game. Who do you think goes to the Khomasdal engineers. Who do you think goes to that house to find their long lost love and for penis enlargements. These are the men you should be afraid of madam.
Just because you told them off the other day does not mean they have accepted failure. On the other side, the comrades have submitted a printed picture of your most viewed photo on Facebook to some doctor with a two-syllable name in hope to get you back. What they do with the picture is not really the threat here but you should rather be worried about the instructions he gets after that.
Yes, the comrade you told that his manhood does not hit the circuit box good enough has taken the cab to Khomasdal. My worry is when the doctor on the other end sends him, to harvest your first breath in the morning after sex. How he executes, that is what you should fear about the comrade.
And lastly there are a few close friends of mine that have everything on their CV except decency. They have even made kids without God’s approval and they know it all. Now that they want to make a U-turn is the time you should fear them.
Do not ask me what they will do to redeem their kindly-giving past but I hear they know where the vagina tightening soaps are. But we all know that stretched elastics do not take their normal form.
Oh I almost forgot, when they all of a sudden give their life to Christ, please ask them what they have done wrong. That is the last group of ‘desperates’ you should fear.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.