It’s an open secret that I love women. My mother is a woman so it helps a lot. I love them the way they are, different and good living examples of everything right and wrong. If all of us are made in the image of God, I sometimes wonder why we have so many different women out here. Is it perhaps that the ribs that they came from are of different sizes, curves and strengths? It would have been insane for them all to be alike.
Over the years, I have come to see the difference and uniqueness of women. They have classes which makes it almost easy to pick.
You have the ‘Pick n’ Pay’ type of ladies. These are the ladies that come to the club with only enough money for their first drink and taxi back home if nothing comes their way. These type of women are blessed with everything right, especially the looks and a brush of innocence. They walk in groups of three and it’s normally a ‘buy one and get the rest free.’ They will either take the dance floor, and they can normally dance better than you main chick, or just sip on that Hunters at snail-pace. You will find them drinking cheap Hunters but they will ask you to buy shots, if you ask. I love these girls because they know what they want and they will never bother you. Approach them only when you have shako, otherwise they will dance with the guy behind you with vrrr-pah keys at the table.
And then then you have the ‘I don’t have cab money’ ladies. These ladies come with a hand bag full of everything but not taxi money. They always have everything, but not a young N$10 Sam Nujoma dollars. They are so serious with their stinginess such that your attempt to getting her to your house will be a fail if you cannot pay her cab money back home. Just like the ‘Pick n’ Pay’ ladies, they know what they want and since your broke a## cannot afford service fees, the least you can do is pay the taxi fee.
And then you have the ‘Created before sunset’ ladies. All these ladies have is either her fine legs or the behind to show. They are never a full package. They are called ‘created before sunset’ ladies because their well-crafted bodies are devoid of one thing as the comrade above was not done before the sun set. They are everything right and wrong – beauty is not beauty if it is not complete. Her fine a## is a waste if there is no proper ID and something in the brain. She is like that public holiday that falls on a Saturday. Just like the Heroes’ Day of 2017 – a public holiday gone to waste. Something nice but of no complete use.
And then you have the ‘bar teachers’ aka ‘smart failures.’ These are the living testimonies of life gone wrong. She is that lady in the street you like but tell your sisters not to follow her footsteps. For some reason only known to them, they are the smartest at every shebeen table. They are encyclopedias of everything from education, politics, health and being a better person. What they speak is nothing close to where they live or what they do. No one would ask why so much knowledge is placed in the wrong head. Nobody knows what went wrong and does not bother to ask.
The ‘send me 2NAD’ girls have become women now and their old habits caught up with them. The only difference is that this time around they want 2NAD and SuperAweh. The very same women who feel men owe them the world are the very same girls who tormented boys because of 2 NAD in high school. They have the best definition of what a gentleman should be. They demands security, but don’t want to date G4S guys. They demand money but cannot afford to take their young brothers to a barber shop. They want a man with a car but their own fathers and none of their sibling never bought one. Before we send you 2NAD, get your s##t together and feed yourself. You want good things, get them yourself. Laliful.
We also have the ‘baby come over’ madams. They are of no other use than responding to invites. They have seen more bedrooms than the times they have prepared a decent meal for the family. Good for nothing but hitting, just like the ‘I don’t have cab money’ and the ‘Created before sunset’ ladies. They are hopeful that the table will turn one day and maybe get a ka-invite for dinner. We all know that ‘babe come over’ means.
I do not want to talk about the ‘butterflies during the day and dragons at night’ ladies from Jehovah’s Witnesses and Christ Embassy. These ladies mean real business. And there is that beautiful gweri who has everything right except her rural bedroom aerobics.
Thank you God for the choices in abundance, but we don’t need some.
Almost forgot, and then we have you.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.