The secret about secrets
We all know everything leaks right? And just because your secret did not make a U-turn with a different return author does not mean we don’t know what you do in our absence. This week I took some time to contemplate on this thing called secrets, its relevance and if the word should even exist.
From the word go, I tell my friends that I’m not some secret storage pumpkin of things that bother them. I need not to be told of something that they don’t wish to go public. I’m not some secret diary and I’m not good at keeping their shit. Some, I’ve even written about their troubles and you enjoyed my columns not knowing that I was sharing a ‘secret’ – it’s just fun after all. People’s dirty luggage keeps the world talking and entertained.
The plain secret about secrets is that once they leave your mouth, you just opened many other mouths that will eventually tell me. You feel comfortable to tell someone your ‘secret’ because you kama ‘trust’ them. What you don’t realize is that your friend also trusts someone who they will tell. And that person trusts another person who trusts me. So why would you think I don’t know you that much when I even know who underperformed? I know your secrets people.
That nude picture you sent your hubby last night, he showed it to all his friends. In fact, he shared it on their ‘Madengo’ WhatsApp group. And I’m on that group. Some of you are trending on those groups like the new make of Dankie Botswana’s. Of course they will not expose you (yet), but it’s just a matter of time before one of them gets drunk and misplaces their phone. The new owner might not be so kind, especially when it’s some random girl’s private parts in a pic. We have all at some point, passed on a picture to a group.
I know you love your boyfriend and all that crap he told you, but do you ever wonder what happens when some Shandubala boys kick his a## and take that phone off? It’s not witchcraft my sister – pure truth and the next thing we see is another ‘exposed.’ You will surely get famous, but just like Penelope and the others, we will forget about you because you are not the only stupid one.
The secret about secrets is that you should not have one in the first place. And if you have one, keep it to yourself because it is no longer one if you share it. So why do you people keep secrets with other people in the devils’s name of trust and friendship?
You tog know that the point of a conversation is when you all have exhausted all information and you dig deep for something juicy to make the conversation going. That is when people reveal your secrets. You also know that moment in bed when she takes it all well, that is when the secrets come out. Alcohol and good intimate work are also one of many reasons why secrets should not exist. Good d##k is good enough to make her say everything. Good vagina is also good enough to earn his secrets.
And some of you for some reason just have a habit of misplacing your trust. Like how do you trust someone who can’t even keep their own secret? It’s like placing your trust in someone who behaves like a ‘Welcome’ doormat and expect them not to have visitors. Bra, we will come into that house and walk from the kitchen to the main room. By the time we are done, we will even know the undies hung in the bathroom.
Let’s stick to the basics to make life just a little easier for you all with secrets. One at a time, as from today, we ask you all to share those dark activities. We also want local jokes.
So while we are at it, can we also speak of the September babies that I once said were December mistakes. Some of you were doing your secrets under the blankets and in warm corners thinking we will not see. Mwanya nee. It’s ok – you can hide your secret for now but we know that it will eventually present itself. Everything done at night and in the absence of the public eye will eventually present itself to us all. So go on and do your do, it will eventually come to us. And believe me, I will write about you just like I did with many.
As from 15 September, any girl that will be seen wearing a jacket or long jersey in this heat, we know the secret you carry. We know your living secret is due in April 2018. We know August was just a thing to establish a look that people should get used to. But it’s just not normal of you to wear your winter clothes in spring. We also expect you to post your bikini photos as you usually lure us to your profile.
You need not to be ashamed. Walk tall with your head up – displaying the consequences of having sex without a condom thinking it was all about keeping warm.
Share your side before I leak things.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.