MfK is the pastor at your funeral
Unlike people of less use and significance to life, it is of paramount importance that one brings people together in their name at least now and then. We do not count your birthday because you are then only a blessing to your family. We also don’t count your birthday because everyone celebrates those; even Fluffy has that. The joyous events we attend like graduation parties, promotion parties, weddings and true testaments of living success. We like those and sometime we even plan them well for others.
There are people who had many of those and on more than one occasion, we celebrated their success. What about you? For many of you, the only day people will gather in your name will be at your funeral. Which makes me think what they will even say on that day? It will be embarrassing to say the list.
Chances are that the only people who will attend your funeral are the bar ladies and the your drinking squad. Your family will by default attendant and lie to the whole world that you were the best – a black sickness. Even when you died of Aids, chances are they will say you succumbed to a sudden illness. How I wish I was the pastor at your funeral just right at the cemetery after your entire family has lied.
“Herewith lies a beloved sibling who was an avid cheater but God loved him and hence he never got caught. For the ladies that are here today, thank God he did not take you with. Kindly get to know each other because you all that’s left of his living shenanigan. Please also introduce the kids, let them get to know each other and please answer to them when they get to ask why they are the same age.
“Dear mourners, let us celebrate the departure of a life that leaves us in peace. We all know the idiot terrorized us every day. He molested our freedom, so wipe away your tears and applaud to sending your daughter to shop with no fear. Lord we thank you for taking the weight off his parents’ shoulders.
“Dear God, we thank you for coming for him because we have enough useless people and the competition is just too tight. Some are here with us today and we ask you to come for them if they do not change today Lord. You can make it look convenient by just striking them down with lightning or just pushing them off a bridge. They can even die in their sleep. You and I both know that many of his kind do not want to live a meaningful life. They are busy being cheerleaders and celebrating the successes of others, leaving us with nothing to celebrate of them. Is that not kind of unfair Lord?
“So it is only fair that you come and get the rest Lord. We will not miss them you know. We will always find someone to peel potatoes at our weddings and useful drunkards to entertain us. I was going through his Facebook account and in every second picture, it is either he is holding Windhoek Draught, Hubbly-bubbly or a woman. The only consistency in the picture is the hubbly-bubbly and alcohol.
“Bar owners, I know you are the most affected. Just like there are season in business, also make peace with the fact that all good things are short and eventually come to an end. You are the reason this man lost his track so allow him to go rest sober.
“Now we will escort the parents and family to their home. Do not be shocked that there aren’t enough chairs. He did not leave anything behind because he was busy chopping life with you all and even forgot to buy chairs at home. There will be a basket for offerings, do not ignore it because the family needs the money to feed these kids he leaves behind. And please do not look forward to inheriting anything because the real owners of everything he claimed to have owned are yet to come to get their things.
“To the parents, the whirlwind will blow past and life will continue like normal. No more worrying about the whereabouts of your child. He will not escape this pit for we will throw sand and rocks on him. Plus, there are security guards at the cemetery.
“For a while we have been losing the wrong people. The other day God took from us the other young Taxi driver who was the only breadwinner at home. You have taken the right person this time and do not hesitate to come back to all these people wasting our precious oxygen. Now we have to compete for breathing space – it’s not fair.
Go well my people and remember God is judging from above. He only comes for those wasting the batteries of his CCTV cameras.”
How I would enjoy being the one to bid you farewell. I think everyone will leave the cemetery going become born-again. Make yourself useful my friends.
I love you that much.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.