Be grateful I came back
It’s August, the 8th month and you are still in a relationship. Clap hands for yourself. I failed friends. I failed drastically. Because I just cannot lie good enough like most of you in relationships. God does exist hey – because how else would you define the success of some relationships.
I know some relationships like the back of my hand, and it can only be by the grace of God that they are still ‘going strong.’ I mean, we cheat together, we lie together, and sometimes we even go to bed with the same women in the absences of boss madam. But I’m never the lucky one though.
The very same way I failed to stay in a relationship for longer than it takes a born-again to give up her pantie rights, I had a hard time convincing some madam that dumping men because they cheat is the dumbest thing they do.
Yes, as long as he comes back and promises that he used a condom; take the brother back because he loves you, truly. Unless we establish a scale that will enable us to determine a degree that determines how much is too much – until then, humble yourself and tame your man. You will never be that lucky.
But don’t get too comfortable. Your man is with you because at this point in his life, it’s the best thing he can do. The moment you give him a cold shoulder, we will be referring to your relationship in past tense. So appreciate his presence because hobbies are hard to get.
You gotta give us some credit too hey. Once you finally open your legs to comrade Bae, understand that your bargaining powers are gone too – the very same way you dropped that pantie, you no longer have rights. So the fact that you are here asking me where I slept last night and you still get an answer close to the truth is a blessing. You must be grateful madam. The search was that tough that I came back. And I’m still here.
And it is not so easy there hey. There are madams pricing their punanis ridiculously. Remember the year Bolster opened doors when pap and Wambo spinach cost close to N$500? That’s the very same insanity. Yes, so stop pricing your private parts so high.
Even the price of houses where you get banged in dropped so who do you think you are? Your expectations are even higher than your matric results – so chill madam. But even with this shit realizing that regardless of the price tag, it’s still the same shit I left home, you gotta give me credit.
The temptations out there are like everywhere. You know better that we are at our best when we are in relationships. That’s when women approach. In the tempting bullshit department lies the ladies that wear their thongs sticking out of their jeans. Sometime you can read what it says like ‘JUICY.’ But then sometimes it’s not as juicy as marketed and that’s’ why we come back after realizing that we were deceived. If you don’t believe me, look at the posters on top of the KFC counters on that month-end Friday and look at what they give you – Completely two different dishes. And that’s why we still come look for our dinner plate (you).
Just like I have a very low tolerance level for commitment, many of my brothers have the shortest attention span for women, and you gotta appreciate that he is still around. Yes, men can’t say NO, but do not doubt their ability to say BYE. Utter nonsense and bullshit I know.
But bullshit is the glue that holds us together is a nation. Think of it – where would we be without our f@#kboys, tenders and MfK? Where would we be if all the brothers were born-again and no f@#kboys? Where would we be without other women stalking on men they know belong to their best friend? Just where? Hehh!
You just sometimes need to see the full stop in the relationship. I know it’s our fault that we don’t announce it so pay close attention because it’s dropped when you least expect it. You need not to drop your jaws because of how senseless some things will always be. So many other things do not make sense and need not to. We have our weaknesses too and all we expect is to be understood. Like, you spend more time shaving than making love. I’m weak, but I still come back home after my distance classes.
So if you think this world is so unfair and you now want to question things that are devoid of any sense, start by putting the question mark in front of your name in the sentence. Only then will you realise how grateful you should be if you hear him knock on that door shouting ‘bae please open, I’m back.’
I rest my case for now. I think I wanna try again.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.