Sunday 18 April 2021
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Afraid of my own fears

I am tired of running but whenever I think of stopping my fears always chase after me. As much as I ran I realised that they are not only after me but I carry them on my back. I’ve carried these fears since the day I was born as a female.

My fear is the cry of every mother, daughter and sister. Growing up we are told that to climb a tree and have fun was not lady like. Being told you should wear dresses and you could not afford to sit carelessly. Being told that you would need to learn house chores and take care of your brothers because you will have to please your husband someday.

What really triggered my fears are the games where I played the role of a mother and always had to cook for the father of the home. In all those games as girls we all wanted to be mothers of the home so bad that sometimes there would be two wives little did we know we had begun to carry our own fears on our backs.
Years on we wore trousers because times had changed but we knew that when we had to look like real women it was meant to be the dress we showed up in and yes our fears were becoming a reality. Then high school came where our very existence scared us. After school boys would remain to play while we had to rush home.

Here I am, over 2 decades later and still running from my fears. Men on the other hand did not turn out to be the protectors we were taught they would be and as women we still define ourselves according to what the men say.

All that we are now seeing is the rise of yellow bones because eureka men prefer women with lighter skin. We are again observing the rise of artificial hips and behinds because once again the men prefer us more curvy and gifted.

We still fear that we aren’t ideal wives or mothers. We fear that we will meet players and end up not married, we fear that even if we get married we may be unable to bear children, we fear that we might not be good cooks or wives. But this was all instilled back then when we played house.

We had everything told to us on another person’s (man’s) terms and whatever is not on your terms gives you fear because it isn’t your plan. Here we are years later still doing things to get approval from the opposite sex.

Today I stopped running away from my fears. I released all my fears that were bestowed upon me. From here on it’s my terms and no one else’s. I create my own fears because what I create I can destroy.

I’m going to walk proud whether I’m single and unhappy or single and happy, married and unhappy or married and happy, whether I have children outside wedlock or from failed relationships.

Whether I’m childless or have too many of them, whether I’m tall, short slender or plus sized, dark or light skinned it’s going to be on my terms. It’s going to be about me and my fears.

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