So last week I wrote about normalizing cheating and you can imagine the number of insults. Of course I could tell that people didn’t read till the end but just like cheating, the fear for reading will soon be normalized within the black communities.
This week I have decided to make reach of my heart and show some love. I have not lived really so long but the little decades of being in the kasi has blessed me with a great wealth of knowledge. Some white person says, show me your friends and I will tell you who you are. MfK says: show me your five friends and I will tell you who to get rid of.
Not to sound like some prophet, but if God came today, he would ask the same thing “Why are you being the toy that some people didn’t have in their childhood? Why are you living the life of toilet paper?”
So while sipping on my Vanilla flavoured Vodka and Cranberry over the weekend, my thoughts led me to a few people that I think are useless and we all should get rid of.
We start with your side chick portfolio. It is 2017 and if for some reason you are still a side chick, please come to terms that side-chicking is the ceiling level of any relationship. There is no promotion even when the main chick dies.
Your only time to shine is when the main is on her periods (which is a four days every month), out of town (never count on that), or when they have an argument and she decides to give him a cold shoulder (which is never longer than 21 hours). So get rid of that portfolio and get yourself a hopeful relationship.
Speaking of useless people, you need to get rid of the comrades who just withdraw. The volume of disgust I have for these used-less people is beyond any hope of use. We have so many of these people in our lives and at some point we get this foolish guilt if we don’t give them. They are just there to take, take, take and continue taking. They are blood-sucking parasites who have zero care for where they are taking from.
Get rid of them. And on the way to taking them to the bin, please pick up the trash bag with the friend who always need a ka-young N$50. Yes, that friend who always asks you money and they don’t repay their debt. What makes me sad is they ask you so much money and still have nothing to show of what they used your money for. Nee k@k, get rid of them also.
We also need to get rid on the friends who are kind to you only towards end-of the month and the idiots who only call you to go drink (but you will be the one to pay for the alcohol).
These people are capable of so many things including grabbing your butt with their left hand. They are like f#$k-boys who don’t need their madams when it’s that time of the month but are quick to run when the last clot falls. Useless people will use you.
While we are here, I advise you to also get rid of that friend who invites you on top of a standing invite. She is the one who is invited but extends the invite to you. And because of some missing mental fuse, you accept and tag along. As a guy, a party is not party without some beautiful ladies who are friendly with their genitals.
And as such, when we sit and organize the party, we invite one of the known beautiful girls to come but must bring along her friends. If this is done with 5 girls, then you have 10 girls at the party and we all know what they say about the more the merrier. It’s simply like a ‘buy one, get one free.’ So get rid of that friend who makes you the free because all you will be is an option.
The last people to get rid of is your boyfriend who keeps promising you dreams that he still owes his ex. You are not the last person he will tell that you are the best and all the nyak nyak nyak nonsense. Look for his ex and ask what the idiot still owes her then you will learn that you are just another sex-ercise.
But make no mistake. No one is complete so you will still need a few people by your side. You need to keep your cheerleaders because they are the only people who don’t have dreams of their own and don’t mind celebrating yours.
You need people to clap hands to everything you do including telling them shit. You need people who are so into your life that they can even write a book about yourself with things that you even forgot.
The last person you should keep is MfK. I’m your only friend from a distance that tells you the brutal truth that both your parents and sexual partners will never tell you. In the only hope of waking up from your dream.
And I think I love you.
MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.