Saturday 17 April 2021
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The State of the Kasi Address

I hear your president, the one who tells you when and how to clap took close to three hours to undress the nation on how he intends to confuse you more and celebrate the past. Our own crown prince of collateral damage prepared you a 67 minutes copy and paste speech that was devoid of any substance of bed and blanket issues in the kasi.

As usual, your kasi lord is here to direct you to what will be a long and f#%ked 2017 with potholes and a lot of Santa Clause promises. Dear faithful readers; men with balls; opportunistic women and those with faith for better days – things are gonna get worse.

First allow me to congratulate and say ‘omake’ to our newly crowned boxing champion. He has grown from winning Ramatex belts to real belts, even his useless warrant officers couldn’t do it. We know that money has always been a problem. You also know that you are not that good-looking but from today, all Soweto and Klein Windhoek madams are going to show an interest in your blue machine. Namibians are known for not being too good to handle fame and money. Ask the Nampower-sponsored boy or that over-celebrated mafeti from Walvis who was last seen with Bushiri. Brother of the soil, women, especially those with apples and grapes on their dp are venomous to anything with money. If you wanna chop your money longer – do not get married or even attempt to change girlfriends.

Allow me to caution the nation of the new trend of men who have been deprived of any thinking organs besides their short toy guns. These are men whose ability to reason have long been amputated and not even Satan wants to take responsibility. I find it puzzling how one finds it right to pull down his pants, gets erected and take on someone who has not even developed the competence to write their name.

I advise you today, lightning is a way of the kasi lord taking screen shots of idiots like you. And should we snap your satan behavior, lightning is upon your pipi. And then we will use your daughter to cut it off because you surely don’t need it. Grow up. Man up or become gay and enjoy being on the receiving end because you surely do not appreciate the balls between your legs.

These things of ‘Maak my nxa’ and the favorite saying from a broke woman ‘Babe, do me a favour’ should come to an end. Other people’s families are not eating bread with butter because of your anus that does not want to work. It’s 2017 so feed your f#%ken self and do yourself the favour. Get a job.

Become a teller at Checkers or go pack clothes in a China shop. Regardless of the peanuts, it’s something that can buy you roll-on and at least you can date your league. We have received enough rain so grow some tomatoes also.

I would also like to waste some time talking to the primary school whores that are running around like headless chickens.

These are the madams who think their beauty will buy them the world and their seasoned blessers will answer to every prayer. There have been many like you and for all I know today they are single and not available. Those still breathing have become regulars at hospitals while others are humbled by life.

To you madam who thinks you are the ish because you have all the attention, the sun sets on everyone. Your vagina does not even come close to the value of a degree from IUM. So get an education and build a personality instead of falling to the dumpsite of examples of lives gone wrong.

It’s 2017 so let us equally get rid of some of this nonsense. No more J66 – get a room because local porn is an insult to the art of coitus. Leaked videos – you cannot be stupid for so long. You have seen and been told so do not blame the world when your turn comes. And please don’t defend your man because we are all from the same dirty cloth.

The idiot will eventually expose your pimpled ass so don’t shoot at all. Fathers who don’t support the hard work of their sperm – we pray infertility and down syndrome on your organ. And madam Kasape, no eating head.

Next time we see you on your knees should only be in church. We didnt say you should go for the pastor – just to be clear. All you need is prayers. And this thing of only posting faith verses and believing in the power of God only when you get dumped should also come to an end.

Those playing ‘Windhoek chip out, Walvis chip in’ almost every weekend, I want to see you chip in at Safari Hotel too. We here thinking if you are so good at travelling with whoever, you should be making it at school too. So we await for your graduation party.

Lastly, I would like to see the year 2017 become a year of growth for my brothers. A year that will open their eyes to the reality that age is just a number and talking too much does not make you more of a man.

I want to see you all stop these fruit salad relationships and leave the school uniform girls before someone dates your daughter for revenge. In 2017, buy a bed, a blanket, a ceramic plate and send your mom airtime too. We are tired of your big mouth. If your d#ck doesn’t reach your belly button (figuratively), then lower your voice and let the real men talk.

Yours truly- MfK

MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.

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