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Thursday 24 January 2019
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The Book of Mandume – In the begining

I don’t know why we should call the first book in the New MfK Testament Mandume; but it just sounds less western and more like the villages we come from. I can imagine Mandume as a cattle herder who never had Facebook and Instagram but had followers more than today’s Oshivelo prophets. So the book of Mandume speaks of the presence of hell on earth and how all the sins committed on earth will be punished on earth.

So in the beginning, a lady and man who prefer anonymity from this publication had sex to produce unplanned babies like yourself. There was not NAPPA office so forget about family planning. It was a sin in the eyes of the Lord because the idiots did not use a condom and rumour has it that the woman lied to the libido-struck guy that it was safe, but it wasn’t so, even just with the head.

That is sin number one that has since opened the floodgates of hell on earth until this day. So to punish you he said let there be light and there was light. He wants the whole world to see that you are messed up and will pay for your sins in broad daylight. So to start with, that is why we are all born sinners.

Poverty was punishment number one. This punishment was reserved for the lazy, complacent, stupid and the useless human being who is forever complaining about others not doing things in their favour. Look around in your family, there is that aunt who was the beauty queen and Madonna in her days but now is humbled by life and all they do is complain to the world how everyone is stingy. Then there is the uncle who is as useless as two vaginas on a dead woman. Poverty is a way of God saying, ‘Laliful, you wasted your time thinking I was promising you a tomorrow.’ It’s not life but God paying you for your time k8k-spent.

If light came after the heavens (still need my geography teacher to locate this destination) and earth were created, Mandume believes that this was done in the dark. Now we all know that things done in the dark are never nxa when exposed to the light. So these are you people who thought they could get away with club quickies and sleeping with that last-resort-girl just because there was nobody to see and the hunger was hitting the pants low.

Now this people, the comrade above has decided to give them the blessing of watering the wrong tree. Why do you think the wrong people always get pregnant? And they don’t even think of aborting. He sees you and wants you to live with a living mistake who will be no different from you.

And then he introduced thunder. Thunder is a way he speaks to you when you continue being an asshole. And when you don’t listen, he strikes you with lightning or no return. Now these are your little ill-advised raw boys and girls who think they are wise and don’t want to listen to their parents who already gave birth to them by mistake and wish not such embarrassment for their children.

These ones God strikes them with lightning of bitchery of the highest order. That is why you have so many whores on the streets. These are the girls who once told their mothers that ‘Leave me alone, it is my vagina.’

To the other group, God sends the neighbours’ kids to teach them a lesson. So if you are told to stay off the streets at night and you don’t, he will send you these hard working comrades to take away your phone, purse and sometimes even your virginity. And should you want to act up, they will stab your butt and cut a part of your ear off.

If you are kind enough, they will rob you so constitutionally and no one will be harmed, just to appreciate that you accept your punishment. They will take your phone but at least leave you with something to continue life. And just a side note from Mandume, thieves who rob you and still give your SIM card back should be respected. They are like government who take away what you have but still give you reasons to follow them because you need to have for them to come take away.

He also then created space for those idiots who are ungrateful of who and what God has created them to be. God created you with a penis or a vagina and wished you well with the words – ‘Make your organs fruitful and multiply with the right kamborotos, and fill the maternity wards but do not abandon your offspring with granny because she too needs some time on the side.’

So this people who decided to explore the finger and backward penetration have not been exempted from the hell of earth. This are the smart, yet confused people and God has made sure majority of the people will laugh at them until they come right. That is why there are so many girls for the picking. So they will live in isolation until they come to accept that pipi belongs to the cookie and not the shitty place.

There is no hell. Hell is what you go through on earth. When he gets tired of you for doing things that not even the devil likes, he will strike with something natural and off you go. Sometimes even for doing nothing so you are all not safe. There is no wealth in some promised land. Chao…

I love to hate you.

Sharpies




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