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Friday 18 January 2019
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That’s why you are still single

In my few decades of being a Casanova, I have learned that there is nothing like a tough lady, you are just too ‘swak’ to get her. Whether you love it or not, we all have levels, unless you are sick. Ever wondered why a beautiful girl you meet in the club sleeps with you the same night without a condom? Idiot – ‘jy sal reg kom’. Sick people have no levels because they are sick and they don’t mind sharing with whoever is as hungry. So as I was saying, we all have levels and it is because of those uninformed levels that some of you are still single. And don’t tell me you are single by choice. It’s by circumstance. Here are a few reasons.
 
You are single because you are full of yourself. This one tops the list because there are so many of you that think of nothing but you. And yet expect to be with someone else that is not you. Your expectations from a partner are just circled around you. Everything should be how you want it to be. You are not even what you want yet you expect someone else’s child to be that. You want a cute guy yet you do not even come close to the word. You want an intelligent woman yet you do not even know how to spell the word.
 
Ow, let us also put it on record that you are single because you are too picky. Your levels are just way up that not even you will qualify. I mean, it’s okay to dream but sometimes you need to wake up and just take a step to reality. You will eventually get there. So that is why you are single, because you are full of yourself.
 
You are single because you are broke. I know we are quick to finger people with money as a filter when it comes to relationships but please get real with yourself. Who wants a broke partner. You cannot even pay for taxi to visit. You cannot even afford morning-after pill when and if the pulling out doesn’t go out. When last did you buy washing powder for the house? Do you even know the price of a sack of onions? When did you buy yourself a new toothbrush? No, she is not after money, she just wants to know that you can at least afford to help out if you pee in her. Not even you would date your own broke butt so sit down and make peace that you are single because you are broke.
 
This one goes to the born-again, who will never step on the altar besides days of confession and singing with the choir. For some intelligence-devoid reason, you are ‘kama’ waiting for God to tell you if he is the right one. I bet even Jesus the son is laughing at you. Ask your grandfather and the father of his mother’s ex-side chick, God never spoke to anyone, especially when it comes to sexual partners. He will guide you to becoming a good person but never choose your Mr Right. That is why he gave you a brain. That is also why he has an eraser to erase all your mistakes. He is ready when things go wrong and not to start them. So quit the prayers because your friend who didn’t come to church for the past two months is getting married next month. You will be bridesmaid. You will remain single if you are waiting for God to come rescue you.
 
Yes, you are single because you cannot take care of yourself. I think this is an insult to the course of dreaming. Who dreams of having a life partner to be with when they cannot even take care of themselves? Not even the devil will want you to date his daughter. You have zero knowledge of the odour from your mouth. You have a bitter relationship with the shower yet you want someone clean. When last did you shave? Just so you know, hygiene is a big filter when it comes to choosing a partner and if you don’t tick the box, many will keep their distance. Some natural body smells are not very welcoming. So next time you think of wanting a clean partner, I hope you will be in the shower at the time. Learn to take care of yourself because some of us invest so much in making sure we are clean.
 
You are also single because you are ugly yet full of yourself and have the audacity to last for cute people like MfK. I know we are all told that we are worth the eye but we sometimes need to understand that the world has no in-betweens. You want to know why no one has approached you yet, invest in a mirror and use it. You need not cry after finding out the horrible truth, your blessing has just not yet arrived. Remain with your standards and wait like the born-again for God to provide answers. Shame!
 
You are single because you have been long behaving like a village bicycle and almost everyone knows how riding you up the hill can be a struggle. There is zero excitement about you. There is nothing new about you. Your name is on everyone’s CV as reference because you have been there for so long and you can give an objective testimony.
 
The last one is common for all c
owards who never listened to their mothers. Never play with food. That is why you are friend-zoned. Some of you are reminded of how such a good friend you are every day. In fact, your once upon a time crush is not calling you brother. That is why you are single.
 
I hate to love you,
Sharpies…



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