It’s sobiso this time of the year again when besides cheating, kulukutaring and drinking, everything else is opened just by the snap of some dirty fingers. Santa and all traditional Christmas gift-bringers are in town to dish out bonuses to every hardworking delinquent. It may be in the area of drinking, good company or simply for the best customer service. Eke wali 4call. This is December – the month where all that is saved for 11 months is depleted in one week. So while we are at it, let us quickly expose this month and what comes with it.
It starts off with that village girl who once came to Windhoek cramped in a Siyaya bus that spends the whole day on the road but she be now asking to go home with a private hike. Otovele hano? Apparently she’s “Looking for private hike to Ongwediva tomorrow at 21h00. It must be a clean and fast car. Payment is very ready.” Laliful. Nobody in your immediate family ever bought a car but you are here behaving like you were showered with petrol. Go to Monte Christo and support the brothers. Unless you are broke and that is why you wanna go with private hike. We all know what those rest trees are used. J66 is not only in Windhoek. It’s a national delicacy.
As a child, when you play in the streets and mommy calls, you throw away all the toys because mommy will not call you twice. So yes, your rented boyfriend finally has to go back to the village and spend his bonus with his legal church wife. Sorry side dishes, chicks or whatever you call yourselves. He was never yours. Rent yourself a festive partner or else just also ask for free hike but to the coast. Mommy has called so it is only fair that he throws away the toys (you and the rest wannabe wifies) and goes to the real madam. This is December for you.
It’s December – they run to Swakop and go sleep in the bungalows because you have no room or bed in your village. Did you even buy your daughter in the village a Christmas dress? Idiots have cars and money to buy all the festive booze but do not even own a blanket in his village. So you are in Swakop chilling while your family does not even have rice to eat for Christmas. Your poverty-stricken cousins are walking around with broken pants while you spend your bonus on other people’s daughters. And just so you know, your mother does not have airtime. So please hook her up with SuperAweh. It’s just NAD60 – the same you would use for club entrance. This is December for you.
Guys who dated grade 10 pupils this year – please call and ask if they passed. We believe you helped her a lot with homework so it’s only fair you ask. Don’t be shy, age is just a number. I can’t say the same about stupidity though. This is the time that determines if the grade 10 girls will finally become a kandeshis or go back to school. They call it Damara matric but I would call it kindergarten Prostitution. Take it from me, most beautiful girls who are now kasi vagina tour guides only have a grade 9 report to their names. A limited number of them have grade 12 and those are the ones who chill in the hotels while the rookies chill outside and under the bridges. No decent woman becomes a whore (at least not on the roads). This is December for you.
Babies born in September, you are a keDecember mistake because just like manners, using condoms was foreign to your parents. For some reason, just like Winna Mariba, sex is on specials this month. Yes, young ladies are on SuperAweh giving it to whoever makes their night just because it’s December. This is December for you. And like strikers, their eyes are fixed to the goal post (between your legs). There is simply no room for error.
The misery continues. You are invited to a wedding of your cousin who is 5 years younger than you. Shame. But these things only get to you if you have a brain. I hear from an elder that the more often a girl is made bridesmaid the slimmer your chances of becoming a bride become. It’s a troosprys …! How bad are you, not even the magistrate? Huh? Really? Yes, your erotic social life will never get you to the altar. The luckiest and closest you will ever come to the smell of legit marriage is by invite to a real woman’s wedding. Being a bridesmaid means you are simply decoration and people rely on your logistics skills. So go wash the dishes and get the tent properly decorated. This is December for you.
And finally but not least important, middle finger to the church. Unlike in my days when sins were lesser, people used to go to church to value the day for what it is. But today when churches have turned into prophet grounds and pastors own shebeens, who goes to the church on Christmas day ? People are now sick and tired of enriching these fake-prophets-cum-pastors. And Namibia’s own version of entrepreneurs will be coming to your town too. Look out for the nufupreneurs (with their VW Golf 7s), tenderpreneurs (Range Rovers) and now christopreneurs (with their churches). This December for you.
This was my last one for the year. It has been a long journey of talking shit so I gotta love and leave you. I have family too you know. See you all in January when none of you can afford a sack of onions on clearance sale. Mara will you even make it to 2017?
Bitter love with the MfK