Tuesday 11 May 2021
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When the centre can’t hold any longer

The building of a relationship is one act that involves the contribution of two consenting partners. That is where the issue of proposals comes in. In most cases relationships between man and woman start after a period of already knowing each other and then consciously decided to take it to the next level. In other cases it just happens abruptly, before you know it, you are no longer single.
No matter how it starts, a relationship, if it is to grow is bound to face some difficulties along the way. For some couples these difficulties are the defining factor as to whether or not they make it past what is called the ‘breaking point.’ For others, inevitably, this is the end of the building of an emotional structure and its time now to break down.
Considering the many things and much time that involves the emotional connection of being with someone, some people may not be so familiar with the best methods to break up a relationship. Whereas an individual mainly looks out for their best interest in a relationship and even its breaking, very few people consider how the other person may respond to the various ways in which break ups are executed.
Like in nature, some people are not well acquainted with the acceptable methods through which to respond to a situation as significant as letting go of a significant other. Its understandable that some may overly react, but even such reactions have boundaries as to what can be accommodated by the vast majority of society and what is considered complete ludicrous.
Bearer of bad news
Of all things, the main reason one would come to a point where they decide to let go of the relationship is when they acknowledge that their best interest is at risk. It is inevitable to consider how one would feel and survive after a break up. Even after you initiate a break up, at times, the impact of your actions may get to you seriously leading to varying emotional depressions.
Some would argue that given that you are the initiator of the break up you should be able to go through without any problems, but this is just not the case in most relationships. The idea of it being a relationship is that it involves two people. And while the other persons’ happiness is crucial, your own safety is very important as well.
Considering their response after you break the news to them, it may not be pretty. Not all persons have the strength to just say fine in the persons face and then go and cry themselves to sleep. For others, in order to have their peaceful sleep, they must cry there and then. As a partner, your responsibility would be to handle the emotions as they spill out and be able to contain them without letting them get to you or the other person.
You must be attentive to their reaction here, as different people respond differently. But make sure that all forms of violence or shouting are eliminated at all costs, do not let it graduate into a fight or quarrel, simply break the news to them in the plainest way possible avoiding the possibility of any forms of confrontation.
Some people have the tendency of breaking up by outlining all the negative and intolerable things that their partner has done, resulting in more of a ‘you did this you did that’ kind of discussion. It is not the time to pour out all the things that you hate about them. Beatrice Simwanza says “most people get very offended with an individual that is able to bottle up all the wrongs they have done and bring it all up in a bulleted list on the day they finally decide to break up. There is no wisdom in this.”
Instead, tell them of the good things that they have done. Remind them of how you appreciate them and that the actions you are taking are for the good of your individual selves – “they better be though.” Simwanza says. She adds that make it clear that you hold no grudge against them or the moments you shared together. It is fundamental that they understand that yours is an act of protection given the love you have for both of you.
“The use of good timing is very influential in letting someone know of your intentions on leaving them. You cannot just do it because you feel like it. This is a human being you’re dealing with. They too have just as much entitlement to the relationship as you do, be considerate.” You must be in season with the timing you use, not every time is particularly conducive for a break up and some good discernment is needed in realizing what times maybe more appropriate than others. Hileni Shilongo shared that “an ex of mine ended the relationship over dinner. I thought he was going to propose that evening.”
“Only break up when it is necessary not just when you feel like it. Some people are in the tendency of claiming that they have very little fighting spirit and as such are not willing to take anything a step further than it deserves. This is not good.”
The idea of a relationship is to try and learn one another, to weigh your partners’ strengths against your weaknesses and your strengths against their weaknesses. You must as such consider in what ways you can contribute to making their down times better times.
“Think of it this way, am not so good with arranging my clothes and stuff. I tend to be a little bit careless. My better-half on the other hand is a perfectionist in this area, but the kitchen is not her strength… we agreed to compromise, you help me in this part and I’ll help you in the other. I must say  I am improving now,” said Moses Chipiru.
On the receiving end
It is important to take care of your emotions as you go through with one of these, don’t stress yourself about how they used to do things that you can now no longer see them doing. Don’t beat yourself about how you have wasted a long investment (even 3 weeks is a long time) and how you could have used it for other things, instead use it as a learning point of how you can better the next relationship. Every relationship has something people can learn from it, and that is what one should capitalize on.
Most people prefer to go through the break up phase on their own. They exclude family and push away friends who are concerned about their wellbeing. Most of these people end up having wrong thoughts as it is said that ‘an idle mind is the devils workshop.’
“On the contrary, bring in friends, talk to people, involve family and take time to do what you love doing. This is not the best time to cuddle your pillow and watch soap-operas, it’s a time to go out and let your hair down. Enjoy the company of those that are still available for you and appreciate them. This should not be done with the intention of proving a point; on the other hand, it should be a way of healing yourself,” advised Moses.
One other important thing is that you should try to keep the friendship, unless otherwise. If you could stand the person enough to stay in a relationship with them, you might as well keep their wisdom around the corner. This also reduces the hurt of the break up seeing as the person is still very accessible to you even in your down times. Shilongo says that “only after we broke up did I realize that we probably actually make better friends than lovers.”

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