Thursday 22 March 2018
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Your backside stays in 2017

It ends this year. All this mediocricy of believing it is right to wait for other or sometimes even pulling them with us ends on 31st December 2017. You have been loafing all year long just to get our mercy of pulling you through, not this time.

This Harambee concept of not making people feel left out was your only free ride in 2017 and come 16 days from today, only those who worked hard will deserve to cross over. The rest of you and all your dirty habits are staying behind. 2018 is for the prospective change makers, the independent, and those with the balls to stand the heat.

So who are we leaving behind this year?

Your partner: if you have dated more than three people this year, I advise you to leave your current one behind because he/she is no different from your exes who called you sobiso a b**** and useless when you dumped them.

You see, only crazy people hop into relationships one after the other, unless such situationships are dictated by the bedroom. Normal people wait and learn from the lessons of their past and do not just hop into another relationship. So unless you want to be saying ‘He is different’ for the fourth time in a year and later ‘They are all dogs’, leave that idiot behind and start over next year when you have rested all your organs including the cookie.

Slay queens. Your beauty alone will not earn you a relationship in 2018. Not even a situationship unless it’s a quickie in exchange for a Moet bottle. So all of you who were busy working for summer bodies while other girls were busy submitting assignments, we will not have time for you, unless the real bae is working late or out of town with work.

We will not have time for people who only have sexy bodies to show, we need brains in 2018. In 2018, we are dating women with pay slips so that the direction of conversations change from ‘Babe when are you coming over’ to ‘How was work bae’. If not so, we should at least see you trying to get yourself a job, effort is attractive too.

Ecko, Lacoste and old women who wear kiddies clothes are staying behind. You will be joined by women who do not wear undies in the name of freedom and misguided thoughts that they are sexy. The first mentioned brands have no place in the year to come – they are just too gwerrie that even the Windhoek West Angolans do not want to wear them. As for the ladies who go and play outside naked, 31 December will be your last day.

We need inspiration and role models out of our women and your relationship with your pantie says a lot. As a women, if you are not fine with your younger daughter doing what you are currently doing, chances are that it’s because you know it is wrong so don’t do it. All you are inviting is d*** and not ring. So no woman is crossing over if you do not own an undie, regardless of the colour.

We are also leaving some Ngandjeras behind until they learn to buy belts of their size. They are just too long. Even Ngandjera midgets have belts longer than their height. These Ngandjeras will be followed by the rude Kwambis who itch to mention the private parts of people’s parents. We are leaving you behind too.

Queens of unknown thrones that dropped their panties for every wallet this year are staying behind. In 2018, we need women with dignity and not these cheap singos being passed around like power banks and being used by everyone like charging cables. Beauty gone to waste stays in 2017.

Chip in and Chip outs are staying behind too. We all know your trip was sponsored and I’m not going to say the method of payment. So stop trying so hard to convince everyone that you have a life when we really do not care.

Who cares if you scored a tender or you got free hike. We all drink and I bet even more expensive bottles than you, but we do not show off because it is stupid to tell the whole world that you spend your entire salary on alcohol and women you do not know. And yes, if you so insist that we are aware of your flamboyant life, kindly also take pictures of how you feed your family. We would also appreciate if you could share pictures of your real room and not that of the guesthouse.

Lastly, ladies, please leave the Gladiator sandals behind. Any woman or man that still possesses this run-away plaatjies is a danger to every relationship.

I personally hate them because these are the women who rock the same shoe to work and enter the club with at night. Personally, they take long to take off and there is no way you will step on my blankets with that long shoe.

Lastly, we are leaving behind the drinking and driving k**, driving other people’s cars recklessly, and asking for people to buy us drinks. In 2018, we owe you nothing.


MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.

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